Hollywood Royalty.....

Hello dears!

2005-11-26T02:55:20Z

I know it's been ever so long since I've written to my WONderful fans! I have just been so busy stocking up on Mohawk Vodka and writing thank you notes in response to thank you notes in response to thank you notes for the christmas cards from last year!

Speaking of the holidays, I hope you all had a simply marvelous Thanksgiving! Chrstina, Christopher, Carol Ann and I all had a nice turkey dinner followed by storytelling by a cozy fireplace. A few gin and pepsis later and I was face-down in the carpet! Oh, tis the season!

It reminded me of last Halloween, when Christina and I sat around in the dark with a flashlight, telling scary stories! She told me a positively frightening one about a man with a hook for a hand! Again, I had a few gin and pepsis and couldn't quite think (or see) straight, so I just ended up telling her about the time I tried to abort her in her crib. Ah, memories!

Speaking of abortions, I could use a good sandblasting down there. It's been a while since I've seen my toes. I've been looking into Vaginal Skin Resurfacing lately... I think I'd better secure the old sails, if you know what I mean. Time has been kind to me, but my cunt apparently works in a different media. To be quite frank, it resembles an Arby's Roast Beef and Cheddar. With extra Catalina sauce.

Well, I've got to be off... I'm scheduled to speak at a Black Mass tonight at midnight, so I've got to prepare my ritual bath.

Love, J.C.

joancrawford @ 2003-11-05T12:43:00

2003-11-05T18:07:41Z

OH! MY! I am just SO HORNY! It's all I can do to keep my massive hair in place!

I need a REAL man. Let me tell you something - when I want a piece of meat, I don't want just any old Oscar Meyer weiner. I want a SIX POUND SALAMI LOG, Okay? Don't be stingy with the trimmings either... I want that sucker smothered in mayonnaise and filled to the brim with succulent juices!

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go sit off the edge of a dock with my legs spread and pray for a stray torpedo!

joancrawford @ 2003-06-18T17:13:00

2003-06-18T21:30:08Z

CHRISTINAAAAA!! CHRISTOPHER, DAMMIT!!!

CAROLANNE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE CHILDREN QUIET TODAY! AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, GET THEM OUT OF THE GARD'NN!!!

joancrawford @ 2003-06-14T03:15:00

2003-06-14T07:35:33Z

I'M JOAN CRAWFORD, AND I'M MAD AS HELL! DAMN MAD! My codswalloping LESBIAN of a daughter Christina was arrested last night for COPULATING with a HAM SANDWICH while serving JURY DUTY!

Now if you'll all excuse me, I've got to go have a brazillian bikini wax before I go and pay the little fop's bail money. Next time, I'm letting her rot in the hole... and I'm not talking about the one under the basement cupboards!

joancrawford @ 2003-04-15T20:34:00

2003-04-16T00:59:21Z

Ah, Springtime... love is in the air, people! The birds and the bees are all busy doing the horizontal tango! Unfortunately, this sultry Hollywood Starlet is without a bird OR a bee. I'm feeling rather randy, and I have nothing on which to vent my... 'frustrations', if you will. That being said, I am now accepting applications and resumes for the position of 'poolboy'.

Speaking of the swimming pool, last night I woke up around 4 a.m. and decided to take a brisk 14 mile jog. I made it no further than the back gate when I found Christopher face-down in the deep end! Poor little guy didn't keep himself strapped in...

So I set him down on the kitchen table to dry, and as soon as Carol Ann woke up, we had to reanimate him. He has a blank stare now, and doesn't speak very much. He hasn't changed at all!

Well I've got to go, I'm doing a photo shoot tonight, and I still have three layers of skin to scrub off!

Love,
J.C.

joancrawford @ 2002-12-16T22:41:00

2002-12-17T03:54:36Z

This afternoon Carol Ann and Tina went down to the corner market to pick up some more Lux and Rinso. (They were in the midst of daily chores when they ran out)
Well they were gone for about four hours, long after dinner time. Since I hadn't eaten, I decided to walk down to the corner market and pick up a 2 Liter of Pepsi and a gallon jug of you-know-what. When I got there, all the lights were off, well before closing. My maternal instincts kicked in, and I busted down the door with a mighty vulva burst. Lo and Behold, I walked in to find Tina looming over Carol Ann's dead body wearing nothing but eight-inch platform shoes and crotchless panties.
This is the THIRD time I've had to use my Satanic powers to resurrect Carol Ann after one of Tina's 'experiments'. I KNEW it was a bad idea to let those two wander off alone. Once the formaldehyde drains out of Carol Ann's skull, I'm going to slap Tina so hard, her nipples implode!

joancrawford @ 2002-11-17T16:30:00

2002-11-17T21:42:14Z

Well dears, all is calm on the homefront. Tina and I have been getting along fine! As a matter of fact, we went and saw The Ring together last night; Tina kept saying that she could relate to Samara. Something about me neglecting her, I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Well just a quick update, I really must be off. I have to drop tina off at the looney bin before my 6:00 facial! If she doesn't correct this 'lesbian' problem she's been having lately, I'm going to string her by the cuntflaps and hang her from the flagpole!

Love,
J.C.

joancrawford @ 2002-09-10T19:59:00

2002-09-11T00:54:48Z

Well hello to all of my wonderful fans! I'm sorry, but I must keep this brief and to the point. I'm here to supply a link to my interview with DOOM Magazine.

You can find the website here. It's under the 'Interviews' section.

Now, I must get back to my colonic irrigation, Archie's coming over tonight!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

joancrawford @ 2002-07-11T22:16:00

2002-07-12T03:00:36Z

Oh, Hello all! It's me, Joan Crawford, back from the dead as usual! I've been really busy here in hell, you wouldn't believe how time consuming eternity can be! I took a little break from signing autographs and whipping the backsides of heathenous Egyptian slaves to sit down in the throneroom on my IBook and update my lovely livejournal!

Oh, and while I'm here, I'd like to make a formal apology to Madame Bridget, for the shameless way my 'daughter' Christina treated her. I'd no idea someone let her out of her cage, dear. I ask that you forgive me, and look upon that hedonist with scorn and hatred!

The main reason I updated today is to tell you that I've had my first interview since death! (yes, first! I've been that busy!)
DOOM Magazine expressed interest in my post-mortum activities, and they came down for a visit last week. Their special correspondant (a drag queen called 'The Diva of Destruction') was lovely, graceful, tactful and kind! I had a wonderful time! Once they get the article up on their site, I'll link it for all of you lovelies!

Well, that's about it! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

joancrawford @ 2002-04-23T10:36:00

2002-04-23T15:14:02Z

Yes, yes it's been a while, but Joan is a busy queen!

Hmm, it appears I'm still a little sore from last night. Jon Lovitz came over, and we had our own private COCKtail party. He put up a good fight, but I managed to tangle him in my love-nest and slam him hard with the double-dong.

But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU for a while! It's been so long, how ARE all of you, my WONderful fans?

joancrawford @ 2002-01-24T14:51:00

2002-01-24T19:59:05Z

This is AppAAALing! Look! THIS woman claims to be ME!
Fucking SLUT!!! HOW DARE SHE? LOOK AT HER! LOOK AT THIS WOMAN! THIS...THIS...IMPOSTOR! HOW DARE SHE CLAIM THE GOD-LIKE STATUS OF THE QUEEN OF HOLLYWOOD! HOW DARE SHE TRY AND STEAL A PIECE OF MY THUNDER!!
WELL LET ME TELL YOU, MISSY! RIGHT ALONG WITH THE THUNDER COMES THE LIGHTNING!!! PREPARE FOR THE WORST, TROLLUP!! THIS BOLT OF BEAUTY IS GONNA STRIKE YOU DOWN! I'VE FOUGHT BIGGER MONSTERS THAN YOU IN HOLLYWOOD FOR YEARS! I KNOW HOW TO WIN THE HARD WAY!!!

joancrawford @ 2001-10-25T09:00:00

2001-10-25T13:04:12Z

To be honest with you, I'm not too thrilled about having so many DRAG QUEENS dress up as me for Halloween! It's a little extreme, really. I mean, I can't help that I'm beautiful and talented, and extremely desired and sought after, but come on! I think Divine would be ashamed.

joancrawford @ 2001-09-21T00:40:00

2001-09-21T04:43:05Z

And a VERY happy birthday to my good dear friend, italianprincess!
Love, J.C.

it's raining men!

2001-09-19T02:47:57Z

Due to the recent tragedies that occurred, I have been unable to update my livejournal!
This horror is absolutely UNSPEAKABLE!
IT'S THE FAULT OF THAT FAT WHORE mad_cow!!!

But don't worry, Citizens! Joan Crawford is ON THE MOVE!

Al and I have agreed to send thousands of gallons of Pepsi to the rescue workers in New York City.

Just think of how much they can accomplish with the crisp, refreshing taste of pepsi on their side!

WE CAN DO IT, AMERICA! WE CAN PULL TOGETHER! STAND TALL, AND FIGHT LIKE A CRAWFORD!!! I KNOW HOW TO COMPETE AND WIN! LET'S FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, PEACE, CIGARETTES, VODKA, AND PEPSI!!!!

joancrawford @ 2001-08-21T15:47:00

2001-08-21T19:54:53Z

Good GODS! Last night I caught Christina in bed...WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!
I think her name was Vera...All I know is that she attends Chadwick academy with my daughter...Who could have known, my daughter, CHRISTINA CRAWFORD, WAS A LESBIAN?!
Oh, well. I always did think she was rather ~~beastly~~ manly. Not to mention hairy.
Anyways.
Tonight I am having photogrophers come over to take pictures of my wonderful estate, my olympic swimming pool, and my extensive french wardrobe.
Let's just hope that Tina can control her rumbling vulva...I do hope we won't have a repeat incident of her thrusting her loins against the camera tripods...*sigh*...

joancrawford @ 2001-08-12T23:11:00

2001-08-13T03:21:34Z

Lonliness and Vodka is a deadly combination! *HIC!*
...And You're a lousy substitute for someone who reaaallly cares....Oohhhh....Tinnnaa...Daaaarrrrling...
*HIC!*

WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2001-08-11T01:37:22Z

I was flipping through the channels when I saw my OWN DAUGHTER tinacrawford ON LARRY KING LIVE, TELLING ALL SORTS OF LIES AND SPREADING FALSEHOODS ABOUT HER OWN MOTHER!!!!
YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE LESBIAN! HOW DARE YOU?!!!

What do you think you're doing?

2001-07-22T21:53:19Z

This morning, I was laying in bed with a facewrap on, when I heard screaming and shouting coming from the garden. I look out of my window to see Tina and Christopher KICKING MY GOD DAMN EXPENSIVE CUSHIONS AROUND!

So, Naturally, I flew out of bed, opened the window, and GAVE THEM HELL!!!!

That'll teach her to fuck with MY upholstery!

That's it!

2001-07-10T18:59:10Z

Bette Fucking Davis!!!!!
That elderly WHORE has come back from hell....I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY DIVA TO ESCAPE FROM THE WRATH OF BEELZEBUB!!!
You know what this means, don't you? THAT CROTCH CREATURE IS GOING TO TRY AND STEAL MY THRONE!!! I must go into my room, and Rehearse....I must brush up on my acting skills, if I am going to survive in this cruel, cruel Industry...

Dammit.....

2001-07-03T18:41:44Z

WHY IS IT THAT GENIUSES LIKE MYSELF ARE NEVER UNDERSTOOD WITHIN THEIR OWN TIME????!!!!

HOT DAMN!!!!!

2001-06-26T22:08:38Z

OoOoOoOoOoooooOOOOooohhhh......

I GOT A REAAAALLLLLLY WET YABBIE!!!!!

SO GO AHEAD AN' CHOCO-BLOCK ME, DANNY, TILL I WALTZ IN YA' BOOT!!!

THEN TAKE OUT 'CHA BOOMAH AND YAHOO ME SERIOUS STYLE, YOU TAZZY BUSHMAN!!!!

..........what do you think you're doing?..............

2001-06-20T00:17:43Z

Back by popular demand, here is more of my artwork! It's a picture of Tina when I caught her rummaging through my drawers, wearing my makeup!
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Seriously, though...She's always pawing through my things, finding ways to make fun of me! UNGRATEFUL LITTLE TROLLUP!

I'D RATHER YOU GO TO SCHOOL BALD THAN LOOKING LIKE A TRAMP!!!

joancrawford @ 2001-06-18T21:37:00

2001-06-19T01:39:20Z

I completed a self portrait of myself!
</p>
Well, what do you think?

I love being me!

2001-06-19T01:11:56Z

I am the greatest thing to ever hit hollywood!

I had a FANTASTIC dinner with italianprincess! She has so much vitality, She's gonna be a smash, I just know it! She'll pummel that crackwhore mad_cow into oblivion before that Bovine slob can say "Kiss my Grits!"

I think that Danny Is cheating on me! WITH THAT LAME EXCUSE OF A DAUGHTER I CALL TINA!!!!
SHE HAD BETTER LEARN EARLY, LEARN THAT JOAN IS A FORCE OF NATURE, A BITCH NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH!!!
BACK OFF, YOU TRAMP, DANNY'S MINE!

You know....

2001-06-12T03:21:05Z

I WAS PREGNANT WITH FRANCHOT SEVEN TIMES....

....I lost them all......

:P BYL