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Tuesday, April 26th, 2011
4:53 pm - Me oh MY!
 It's been so long, my adoring, WONderful fans! I was reminiscing about how I almost got that part in Gone With The Wind... you know, of that hopelessly spoiled whore, Scarlett? I was born for that role if you ask me. Wearing TWO, THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESSES and SLAPPING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF MINORITIES while seducing every good looking and slightly faggoty man in the deep, dirty south. Ah, but Vivien Leigh, that looney tunes batshit crazy fuckup of a limey WHORE FUCKED AND SUCKED HER WAY INTO THAT CORSET! TWENTY INCH WAIST?? HOW ABOUT I REMOVE A COUPLE OF RIBS FOR YOU, YOU BLOATED SACK OF SHIT?? I'M THE QUEEN OF HOLLYWOOD, NOBODY TRUMPS ME FOR A PART! BOX OFFICE POISON????!?!!?! I CREATED THOSE MOVES YOU STOLE! I MOVED MY ASS LIKE A BLENDER AND BARELY MADE A STAIN AND I GOT THE PART IN MILDRED PIERCE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!! CHRISTIIIINNNAAAAAAA!!!!!! I NEED A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: drunk

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Friday, November 25th, 2005
9:44 pm - Hello dears!
I know it's been ever so long since I've written to my WONderful fans! I have just been so busy stocking up on Mohawk Vodka and writing thank you notes in response to thank you notes in response to thank you notes for the christmas cards from last year!

Speaking of the holidays, I hope you all had a simply marvelous Thanksgiving! Chrstina, Christopher, Carol Ann and I all had a nice turkey dinner followed by storytelling by a cozy fireplace. A few gin and pepsis later and I was face-down in the carpet! Oh, tis the season!

It reminded me of last Halloween, when Christina and I sat around in the dark with a flashlight, telling scary stories! She told me a positively frightening one about a man with a hook for a hand! Again, I had a few gin and pepsis and couldn't quite think (or see) straight, so I just ended up telling her about the time I tried to abort her in her crib. Ah, memories!

Speaking of abortions, I could use a good sandblasting down there. It's been a while since I've seen my toes. I've been looking into Vaginal Skin Resurfacing lately... I think I'd better secure the old sails, if you know what I mean. Time has been kind to me, but my cunt apparently works in a different media. To be quite frank, it resembles an Arby's Roast Beef and Cheddar. With extra Catalina sauce.

Well, I've got to be off... I'm scheduled to speak at a Black Mass tonight at midnight, so I've got to prepare my ritual bath.

Love, J.C.

current mood: nostalgic

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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
12:43 pm
OH! MY! I am just SO HORNY! It's all I can do to keep my massive hair in place!

I need a REAL man. Let me tell you something - when I want a piece of meat, I don't want just any old Oscar Meyer weiner. I want a SIX POUND SALAMI LOG, Okay? Don't be stingy with the trimmings either... I want that sucker smothered in mayonnaise and filled to the brim with succulent juices!

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go sit off the edge of a dock with my legs spread and pray for a stray torpedo!

current mood: touched

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Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
5:13 pm
CHRISTINAAAAA!! CHRISTOPHER, DAMMIT!!!

CAROLANNE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE CHILDREN QUIET TODAY! AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, GET THEM OUT OF THE GARD'NN!!!

current mood: bitchy

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Saturday, June 14th, 2003
3:15 am
I'M JOAN CRAWFORD, AND I'M MAD AS HELL! DAMN MAD! My codswalloping LESBIAN of a daughter Christina was arrested last night for COPULATING with a HAM SANDWICH while serving JURY DUTY!

Now if you'll all excuse me, I've got to go have a brazillian bikini wax before I go and pay the little fop's bail money. Next time, I'm letting her rot in the hole... and I'm not talking about the one under the basement cupboards!

current mood: enraged

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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
8:34 pm
Ah, Springtime... love is in the air, people! The birds and the bees are all busy doing the horizontal tango! Unfortunately, this sultry Hollywood Starlet is without a bird OR a bee. I'm feeling rather randy, and I have nothing on which to vent my... 'frustrations', if you will. That being said, I am now accepting applications and resumes for the position of 'poolboy'.

Speaking of the swimming pool, last night I woke up around 4 a.m. and decided to take a brisk 14 mile jog. I made it no further than the back gate when I found Christopher face-down in the deep end! Poor little guy didn't keep himself strapped in...

So I set him down on the kitchen table to dry, and as soon as Carol Ann woke up, we had to reanimate him. He has a blank stare now, and doesn't speak very much. He hasn't changed at all!

Well I've got to go, I'm doing a photo shoot tonight, and I still have three layers of skin to scrub off!

Love,
J.C.

current mood: curious

(8 comments | comment on this)

Monday, December 16th, 2002
10:41 pm
This afternoon Carol Ann and Tina went down to the corner market to pick up some more Lux and Rinso. (They were in the midst of daily chores when they ran out)
Well they were gone for about four hours, long after dinner time. Since I hadn't eaten, I decided to walk down to the corner market and pick up a 2 Liter of Pepsi and a gallon jug of you-know-what. When I got there, all the lights were off, well before closing. My maternal instincts kicked in, and I busted down the door with a mighty vulva burst. Lo and Behold, I walked in to find Tina looming over Carol Ann's dead body wearing nothing but eight-inch platform shoes and crotchless panties.
This is the THIRD time I've had to use my Satanic powers to resurrect Carol Ann after one of Tina's 'experiments'. I KNEW it was a bad idea to let those two wander off alone. Once the formaldehyde drains out of Carol Ann's skull, I'm going to slap Tina so hard, her nipples implode!

current mood: angry

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Sunday, November 17th, 2002
4:30 pm
Well dears, all is calm on the homefront. Tina and I have been getting along fine! As a matter of fact, we went and saw The Ring together last night; Tina kept saying that she could relate to Samara. Something about me neglecting her, I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Well just a quick update, I really must be off. I have to drop tina off at the looney bin before my 6:00 facial! If she doesn't correct this 'lesbian' problem she's been having lately, I'm going to string her by the cuntflaps and hang her from the flagpole!


Love,
J.C.

current mood: amused

(7 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
7:59 pm
Well hello to all of my wonderful fans! I'm sorry, but I must keep this brief and to the point. I'm here to supply a link to my interview with DOOM Magazine.

You can find the website here. It's under the 'Interviews' section.

Now, I must get back to my colonic irrigation, Archie's coming over tonight!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

current mood: enthralled

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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
10:16 pm
Oh, Hello all! It's me, Joan Crawford, back from the dead as usual! I've been really busy here in hell, you wouldn't believe how time consuming eternity can be! I took a little break from signing autographs and whipping the backsides of heathenous Egyptian slaves to sit down in the throneroom on my IBook and update my lovely livejournal!

Oh, and while I'm here, I'd like to make a formal apology to Madame Bridget, for the shameless way my 'daughter' Christina treated her. I'd no idea someone let her out of her cage, dear. I ask that you forgive me, and look upon that hedonist with scorn and hatred!

The main reason I updated today is to tell you that I've had my first interview since death! (yes, first! I've been that busy!)
DOOM Magazine expressed interest in my post-mortum activities, and they came down for a visit last week. Their special correspondant (a drag queen called 'The Diva of Destruction') was lovely, graceful, tactful and kind! I had a wonderful time! Once they get the article up on their site, I'll link it for all of you lovelies!

Well, that's about it! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

current mood: Hammered

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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
10:36 am
Yes, yes it's been a while, but Joan is a busy queen!

Hmm, it appears I'm still a little sore from last night. Jon Lovitz came over, and we had our own private COCKtail party. He put up a good fight, but I managed to tangle him in my love-nest and slam him hard with the double-dong.

But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU for a while! It's been so long, how ARE all of you, my WONderful fans?

current mood: sore

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Thursday, January 24th, 2002
2:51 pm
This is AppAAALing! Look! THIS woman claims to be ME!
Fucking SLUT!!! HOW DARE SHE? LOOK AT HER! LOOK AT THIS WOMAN! THIS...THIS...IMPOSTOR! HOW DARE SHE CLAIM THE GOD-LIKE STATUS OF THE QUEEN OF HOLLYWOOD! HOW DARE SHE TRY AND STEAL A PIECE OF MY THUNDER!!
WELL LET ME TELL YOU, MISSY! RIGHT ALONG WITH THE THUNDER COMES THE LIGHTNING!!! PREPARE FOR THE WORST, TROLLUP!! THIS BOLT OF BEAUTY IS GONNA STRIKE YOU DOWN! I'VE FOUGHT BIGGER MONSTERS THAN YOU IN HOLLYWOOD FOR YEARS! I KNOW HOW TO WIN THE HARD WAY!!!

current mood: enraged

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Thursday, October 25th, 2001
9:00 am
To be honest with you, I'm not too thrilled about having so many DRAG QUEENS dress up as me for Halloween! It's a little extreme, really. I mean, I can't help that I'm beautiful and talented, and extremely desired and sought after, but come on! I think Divine would be ashamed.

current mood: determined

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Friday, September 21st, 2001
12:40 am
And a VERY happy birthday to my good dear friend, italianprincess!
Love, J.C.

current mood: pleased

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Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
10:35 pm - it's raining men!
Due to the recent tragedies that occurred, I have been unable to update my livejournal!
This horror is absolutely UNSPEAKABLE!
IT'S THE FAULT OF THAT FAT WHORE mad_cow!!!

But don't worry, Citizens! Joan Crawford is ON THE MOVE!

Al and I have agreed to send thousands of gallons of Pepsi to the rescue workers in New York City.

Just think of how much they can accomplish with the crisp, refreshing taste of pepsi on their side!

WE CAN DO IT, AMERICA! WE CAN PULL TOGETHER! STAND TALL, AND FIGHT LIKE A CRAWFORD!!! I KNOW HOW TO COMPETE AND WIN! LET'S FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, PEACE, CIGARETTES, VODKA, AND PEPSI!!!!

current mood: determined

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Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
3:47 pm
Good GODS! Last night I caught Christina in bed...WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!
I think her name was Vera...All I know is that she attends Chadwick academy with my daughter...Who could have known, my daughter, CHRISTINA CRAWFORD, WAS A LESBIAN?!
Oh, well. I always did think she was rather beastly manly. Not to mention hairy.
Anyways.
Tonight I am having photogrophers come over to take pictures of my wonderful estate, my olympic swimming pool, and my extensive french wardrobe.
Let's just hope that Tina can control her rumbling vulva...I do hope we won't have a repeat incident of her thrusting her loins against the camera tripods...*sigh*...

current mood: embarrassed

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Sunday, August 12th, 2001
11:11 pm
Lonliness and Vodka is a deadly combination! *HIC!*
...And You're a lousy substitute for someone who reaaallly cares....Oohhhh....Tinnnaa...Daaaarrrrling...
*HIC!*

current mood: drunk

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Friday, August 10th, 2001
9:34 pm - WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was flipping through the channels when I saw my OWN DAUGHTER tinacrawford ON LARRY KING LIVE, TELLING ALL SORTS OF LIES AND SPREADING FALSEHOODS ABOUT HER OWN MOTHER!!!!
YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE LESBIAN! HOW DARE YOU?!!!

current mood: pissed off

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
5:49 pm - What do you think you're doing?
This morning, I was laying in bed with a facewrap on, when I heard screaming and shouting coming from the garden. I look out of my window to see Tina and Christopher KICKING MY GOD DAMN EXPENSIVE CUSHIONS AROUND!

So, Naturally, I flew out of bed, opened the window, and GAVE THEM HELL!!!!

That'll teach her to fuck with MY upholstery!

current mood: pissed off

(17 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
2:51 pm - That's it!
Bette Fucking Davis!!!!!
That elderly WHORE has come back from hell....I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY DIVA TO ESCAPE FROM THE WRATH OF BEELZEBUB!!!
You know what this means, don't you? THAT CROTCH CREATURE IS GOING TO TRY AND STEAL MY THRONE!!! I must go into my room, and Rehearse....I must brush up on my acting skills, if I am going to survive in this cruel, cruel Industry...

current mood: bitchy

(40 comments | comment on this)

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